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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Searching..!


Underlying Anger

The pain goes from my hip and sciatic nerve all the way down past my butt!! The mri last year sais degenerative disk disease, and it hurt like heck through the last few months my husband was alive and continued for a while afterwards, then life became a bit comfortable and stability was looking good. I now look back to see that the pain was hardly there, as I sit here today with excruciating pain in my leg/butt area.. so what the common denominator, well stress, tension changing of life again , trauma.. you name it im going through it again! And obviously so is my body!! This seems to be the area effected, and my neck as well, its like the whole right side is screaming at me for help.. so i am going to have to make a conscious decision to help it.. i do not like to take meds, so that will be my last decision- ive been using biofeeze but thats works briefly, i just read an article which i have heard before that something like this is subconscious anger and rage hiding, i gather somehow it internalizes itself and manifest as pain. makes sense to me.. so now to figure out exactly where its coming from.. ugh.. constant stripping away !! I am going to pray today and ask the lord to expose this area of my life to me, so that i can get to the root of it and get on with it.. i recently had a deliverance session that involved some generational stuf and alot of anger and rage and bondage from a man, no i am not a man hater.. im just real! so, with that being said i am going to venture into this area of my life.. to find the cause of my pain. wont you join me!! :Lord, I ask right now in jesus name that you would reveal to me where this deep rooted pain coming from , where is hidden anger and rage.? please bring it to the surface so that  i may get healing from it and be freed of the bondage! I thank you lord in advance for your answer to my prayer in jesus name i ask it! AMEN.. its that easy! Now I will await and see what he reveals, I do think he revealed some major stuff in deliverance and maybe this is part of it.. i am feeling like i am going to half to walk through my past, with the abusive men that have hurt me and heal from those situations in order to over come this. allowing the holy spirit to have his way !

LET'S GET REAL FOLKS!

I know it has been  a year since I have blogged on here but oh my only in my life has a tremendous amount of "crap" yes crap happened within this year. Example being : the wonderful love I truly believed god had brought into my life last year abandoned me and my daughters, yep literally said to me I " don't want to do this" left that day and has not since returned, and to make matters even more gut wrenching he wont even talk or speak to me.. we have text here and there but coming from a man who declared he would love me till I died and who gave his life to me a year ago, you can imagine the pain all of this has caused me and my children. So, you got it .. this blog is going to be real in your face truth about where I am at, you can love it or leave it, its your choice as it was his to walk away from the blessing god had for him here. I am extremely frustrated today, it seems as all the anger and pain of this hurtful situation surfaces I have to work through so much, and I am not opposed I know healing comes as the layers become unpeeled through the open wounds of the raw emotion I am choosing to allow to seep out of my soul, I am not going to blame my husband for everthing because I believe it takes 2 and I am in well knowledge of the fact that I am far from perfect ( which I think he may have expected me to b) but I am going to place the truth where it belongs, an that is in the face of reality.. the reality that our choices determine what comes next, ut what about this.. I didn't make this choice to be left, my kids and I didn't make the choice to say cut us out of your life as though we never existed.. I mean lets get real!!! this is hurtful, cruel and extremely hard to walk through and stll try to see my husband as jesus sees him which is what I am called to do as a Christian. in my mind the thoughts are rolling around rght besides the pain that says you are a freaking jerk, how could you do this..? I mean I have to ackowldege my anger and pain and othr emotions in a health way in order to heal from them, but I also must switch back to love and this is truly a conscious decision that crucifies my flesh, and allows my spirit to rise up over my anger and forces me to place my eyes to the hill and ask jesus to take this burden and then I ask him to show me how to love my husband right now and not be resentful or angry or bitter or to let this situation takeover my hole being, and the tears roll down my face and I feel a whirlwind of emotions, he shows me that it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to look perfect.. LIFE IS MESSY!!!!thisust simply where I am at and the more we run from this and place a mask on our lives that simply cover the imperfections the more we are truly in bondage and not living in freedom as he has called us to be, the mask or  as im seeing this slightly covered film upon the waters of life simply keeps us in a legalistic mind set bound by rules and laws, gods grace is just so much bigger than this, and by referring back to the " my life is just not where I want it to be" simply causes us to question and condemn ourself and our there is no condemnation for those in Christ jesus. so with this being said why do we..? why do people place this mask upon there lives, that they r so concerned with how there life looks especially to others.. look at jesus, was he worried about this... NO.. it took away from loving those people who are in that place or worse, who are addicted or homeless o abused. he didn't place a mask upon his , he placed his life in he hands of the father and he walked blindly lovin the least of these and not bein bound by rules or laws.. now of couse we must have wisdom and use our brains but we shouldn't be bound by what it should look like, because who sets the standard.. ? the neighbor or the lady at church .. the proverbs 31 woman..? ha I laugh at that.. I ha tried now with no avail for quite sometime.. like my whole life, and frankly today I am here to say liberally I cant do it.. I can hardly do laundry at make dinner, let alone what she stands for- so lets stop looking at the bible as a set of rules we have to live up, and lets start looking to thejourney of jesus, how love was at his core not rules or perfection or a filmy mask that portayed him as something is not... he walked and loved wih all his heart, knoing he would be betrayed and hurt, yet still following ad see gods for his life, so today friends I say I a tired of trying to keep up to perfection or that perfect family at churc that I so long to want in my heart because they have a mess too, in some way shape or form, you just may not see it through that filmy mask or perfection..

Monday, December 17, 2012

this new life continued..... a heart change

well, after spending a few weeks with doug volunteering for youth, we got to know each other a bit, and spent some time chatting outside of church also.. he kept telling me that he needed to lay hands and pray for/ on me, which i thought ok, no problem.. I can use that, but my spirit knew it wasnt just about him laying hands on me, it was much bigger than this, but for some reason he wasnt seeing the same things I was.. I thought it to be strange, and continued to say .. r we talking to the same god..??  later to find out Doug knew from the day we met, god had ordained that meeting..he knew what was to come but wasnt ready to receive or accept it...  he was so comfortable in his life at this point, he was fighting it in his flesh.rather than submitting to whatever the lord had.. well after more prayer time because i was just not getting it.. the lord told me he wasnt ready yet... so he was running around every other idea, but this relationship- which the lord had put in our hearts. god continued to break me thorugh this.. ya see Doug is such a giver, and just continued wanting to do for me and the girls, and what a wonderful feeling this was, but as a giver myslef, and having been through such self rightous times with john, it was so hard to receive and feel worthy of these things he was doing.. and after much prayer, the lord told me, i deserved this, i needed to allow doug to love me this way, which was really god loving me thorugh doug= well of course my flesh rose up and i wanted to fight this.. i immediatly started crying and said no way.. i cant do this.. and the lord relentlessly pursued me until that stronghold was broken. I had been so hurt , so many times in my life by men especially, that it was a stronghold i had built up or a wall to not let anyone get in there, because i would just get hurt again.. well, when you submit all to your god, and you allow him to have ur heart, you cant run.. so i had to accept what the lord was telling me and recieve it! So patiently, Doug and I and the girls continued spending some time together, Doug & I went to hear a speaker one night and ended up coming home and chatting about some deep life discussions.. well that night after Doug left he was starting to open his heart,you see he strarted seeing my heart through the conversations.. when he awoke the next morning, he said the lord showed him my heart and he woke up in love with me.. what an amazing thing! I was inn shock maybe,, after all these weeks of spiritual battle, he gave it over and god really showed him truth..  my heart, which is truly a heart after gods, and I saw already that this is where his heart was too..  and god was going to do a mighty thing in us, and I was really excited!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Let me catch up up, on this new life- this new thing hes doing

My last post was the scripture god  lead me to this morning which was matthew 1 24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.

This scripture is so per-tenant to where my life is right now.. let me go back a couple months and catch you up...

Well, you see after my husband passed away, I submitted every area of my life to god, with that being said , I pray that gods will be done in my life and seek his guidance and spirit in all areas of my life.. With the things I had to go through for the past two years, god really showed up for me so many times..He transformed me from the inside out.. and I owe him my life.  I could of never walked in Love and forgiveness during the past year if it wasnt for his continued love for me, so I told him , he had to show me what my "new life " was suppose to looked like.. 

well, about 30 days or so after john passed I was serving for youth at church, and i ended  up meeting a gentleman who I had brief conversation with, he also was serving by trying to help the food bank @ church through his place of employment. We exchanged hello's and he said he needed to volunteer his time in order to receive the funds for the food bank,  I needed help during these few weeks with the youth, so it came up in discussion- that he could help me, - I thought nothing of it..was just happy to have help;)

 my life was going just fine- i had decided to put my daughters back into school, and the lord lead us to a nice,small christian private school- just what i wanted for them, not too much pressure after all they had been through. I was awaiting gods direction in everything- I wake up everyday and ask him to guide my path and show me the direction I need to go in, and then I follow his spirit with obedience.. I still had my moments of grieving of course, but I had been grieving my husband for 2 years already- so moments were still there, but nothing compared to what i had already had to go through.

 Anyhow, goin through my days not knowing what was in store was not easy.  I  am living moment by moment..  I was taking every breathe in, not taking anything for granted! So about two weeks later, this gentleman I met @ church , shows up to help with youth, I was thrilled- to have the help, well then we started chatting that night and it was so nice, he just understood me.. we talked about what i had gone through and about what he had been going through,( a separation & divorce after a 30 year marriage) there was really just a sense of something bigger happening. that i didnt recognize right away.., i just knew i enjoyed the time I had with him. It seemed a few of the people who were there @ church that night picked up on it also. So that evening we decide to exchange numbers , so we could plan dinner for the kids next week- and we spoke briefly that night about it. After youth I went home and got ready for bed, i had taken a shower, now I dont know about you , but god really speaks audibly to me in the shower.. maybe cause its quite! so, I heard the lord tell me " I put him there for you " and " hes gunna Love you through it" .. I then had visions of the gentleman and my future ( his name is Doug ) , I was just blown away.. my mind was far from any of what he was showing me- I had a knowing in my spirit right after that- that this was it.. god had put him here for me.. as crazy as this sounds?? I had a choice to make believe what god was saying & showing me or ignore it..? I was having revelation of the future at this point.. I was totally blown away- and actually in tears, because the last thing I was thinking was that god was going to rise up a man. for us..  I figured , maybe in years to come- he would bring me a man of god, after my past experiences in life, the lord knew I would only be with a man after his heart, the same way I too was only here to do his will and to have more of him in my life.. These feelings I was having werent coming from me , Lisa they were truly coming from god, that I didnt even know what to do.. I started praying and figured god would show me.. So, that saturday I went to church to worship, and here again I was having these visions, and senses in my spirit as I was worshipping, I was afraid to even say a thing to anyone, because I was afraid of what they would of thought.. but it really wasnt me in my flesh wanting this to happen.. he was just doing it. So, i knew I needed to go back for prayer and spent some time with pastor, and I started to say to her " what do you do , when god shows you things, you are unsure of" I was actually almost ashamed of what was happening, but i had no reason to be, because god was showing me these things, so before I could even say anything, she already knew , god had showed her before i even said a word, days before this.. so I found this to be more confirmation that he really did put him here for me, just as he said.. I was shocked, blown away and at the same time.. so overwhelmed by gods love for me..  you see my hearts desire has always been to have a happy, healthy relationship, and from my own choices, gone wrong I have had everything but this..  so this time I surrendered it all to god.. I wasnt about to make choices and continue doing lisas will not his .. 

@KayemsmomLisa: When Joseph woke up, he did just as an angel from Godcommanded and took Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:24 CEB)

The Lord lead me right here.. Smack in the middle of my life today! Choosing to be obedient to god isn't always an easy task, truth is this.. You get mocked, stoned, talked about... But @ the end of the day.. Who am I here to please? Man or the lord.. Only he knows my heart and I have submitted All areas to him, it may not look right, but the lords peace abounds my spirit and his love abounds in my heart.. Confident in my walk today!! # abiding in him