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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Peacock- he is making all things new, if u let him

http://themeaningofsymbols.blogspot.com/2009/03/peacock-symbolism.html
So, after the lord waking me up @ 4:40 to pray this morning.. i still choose to go for my morning walk today.. it feels so nice to exercise again, and really its just  to start getting healthy, putting myself aside for so long.. now i must take care of me;) So, yesterday I saw the beautiful sunrise.. its was breathtaking.. there was such hope in it.. imagine hope in the sunrise, but yes. thats exacty what i saw!! So, i put my headphones on and i start worship , at the end of my trail, there are 4 peacocks walking freely right in front of me! immediatly i say to myself.. wow.. i thought maybe turkeys but peacocks- it was awesome! so right away the sense i get is that its some type of symbol or sighn, i dont know if you believe in signs but i sure do.. so i went to look it up ( take a look at the limk ) and found another blog, with some definitions of the symbol it could be.. heres what i got from it!! The peacock is a symbol of immortality because the ancients believed that the peacock had flesh that did not decay after death.  

In religious (typically Christian) contexts, immortality is often stated to be among the promises by God (or other deities) to human beings who show goodness or else followdivine law (cf. resurrection). Moreover, only God is regarded as truly immortal,[3] hence it is only through God's resources for resurrection and salvation that human beings may transcend death and live eternally.[4]
wow.. how awesome is that!! i felt god with me.. times 4 ;) then The peacock naturally replaces his feathers annually; as such, the peacock is also a symbol of renewal. -

God is making all things new.. so, im blown away .. from a simple bird, walking front of me, i felt god was showing me he was here and he is renewing all things.. 

i had a situation yesterday, and here i was trying to make things happen in lisa time.. hello lisa- its not about u !! i was reminded in humility ... after apologizing.. again to someone...  that its all in his time, the only thing I need to do is submit over to him constantly and trust him , and he will continue showing up for me and for u too , if u choose !! so, dont take anything for granted.. even a peacock- it could be a message from your heavenly father :)))

Monday, October 22, 2012

god is always moving, just trust him

Nature, is the lords playground............ I took a step out my back porch the other day and it was like I was entering a different world.. the air was so crisp and beautiful, the squirrels were running away from the dogs !! the birds were singing, This truly was the day the lord hath made, and I surely was rejoicing in it ! I had my pumpkin coffee and homemade bread from my mom with some amazing irish butter! I had my journal and pen ready to go .. so I started in prayer as always, thanking god for every breath and really soaking in everything around me ! God immediately started bringing things to mind, and I immediately started seeing things that I don't think had space in my head or heart to see before this day.. when you go through such trauma or serious circumstances, lord only knows what it does to you or your body & mind.. what i do know is, in gods timing if we allow him, he will heal us of it all.. it may not be an easy road and there may be unbearable moments, but the lord always promises to be with us, so trust that he will be there when we come out of it!My focus for the past 1-2 years was on my husband and then my children.. I of course was not a focus!! I believe with all I had to do, that i only had so much space in my head to be able to handle.. so now that life is settling down and things arent so insane.. these circumstances arise, and I have to work through them, well let me rephrase that- we always have a choice.. we can choose to work through them or we can run.......... well, Lisa did enough running most of her life.. so its been long time coming to hit them head on.. so on this day in particular the lord showed me how important it is to be humble and ask for forgiveness.. no matter how right or wrong you or the other person are... take the boxing gloves off... i did this quite some time ago.. but I had to make right the people i left outside the rink because i couldn't handle anything but what was happening here in my home.. now I am not saying I regret what has happened in my life, i truly believe there is a purpose in all things.. and i truly believe god used my circumstances i went through for good, but Its in my obedience to him , that I must make all things into alignment with what he wants and expects of me.. ( his will)  I gave my life over and even though sometimes i may cringe and cry.. i know its for my own good and the good of others to do what he calls me too.. so i humbly went in tears before my father and asked for his forgiveness.. things haven't been right between us for quite sometime, and although i learned so much through the experiences i just went through, i still needed to honor and respect my parents and the agreements I have made to them.. So, as i asked for him to forgive me in his heart and asked that we rebuild our relationship god was moving,  ( even though I couldn't see him right at that moment )  he was aligning things up for the agreement i  haven't been able to fulfill to them in order to honor them.. I am so blessed truly to have a set of loving parents who are willing to accept me, even in this transformed way..  i believe that they trust me and i believe god is going to show them , up close & personal who big he is! So, needless to say I am excited for the future..   I have been told recently my sister case against her husband will be going to trial, and i have to testify.. ;( not looking forward to this after January  but i do know this is the last door the lord has to close for me, before he makes ALL things new.. hes already starting and what a crazy ride it has been so far.. i cant wait to c where he takes me next! So, the moral of today.. even when you can see him, feel him or hear him.. god is always moving for your good, you have to b willing to let him !!

Friday, October 19, 2012

You really cant celebrate a birthday, if there not here

well today is johns birthday, he would of been 37.. ya know some days just seem so very surreal, i got through the day pretty good, and then it set in.. in the evening.. the kids and I had decided we were going to eat some pizza and watch a Christmas movie, which he loved, it was hard picking out the food at the store, and getting pepsi which was his fav.. and watching the movie elf which he just cracked up at..   i kept picturing that last week or so he was alive, when i brought him home from hospice and he only wanted to watch Christmas comedies which he loved, and he said I cant wait till Christmas . all along I knew in my heart he wouldn't be here.. and i just don't know how i survived those kind of moments..  when u come through something like this, you go back and you say to  yourself how in the world did i do that?? I then decided to look back at my pictures & videos.. not sure if that was  a good idea, of course it made me cry , which i think is very cleansing.. its  just so unreal that so much happened .. the last year of my life was like a nightmare or some kind of lifetime movie.. and i really lived it and and i survived.it. only by the grace of god!! But its the days like today when you really take a look at whats important to you, how are you spending your moments, are you telling your loved ones you love them... are you watching Christmas movies? We really couldn't celebrate his birthday, he is not here.. so we prayed and thanked god for his life, because it truly changed our life.. and we asked for blessings over his family, who im sure were having a difficult day .  All in all at the end of any day......thank god for bringing you to it and getting you  through it.. even if it hurts and you want to scream, or it just doesn't make sense... try to remember its bigger, were just a small part of it..

This is the day the lord has made and I WILL rejoice

Well, no matter how hard somedays seem, no matter what the emotional hump I have to get over is, I will make the choice to rejoice in the day! Dont get me wrong.. I have my ups and downs.. my happy moments and my sad- but overall I praise god they are just moments.. then joy comes in  the morning or after the hump..! I have had a few really impacted days lately.. I was prayed over 2 nights ago to have a spiritual encounter- and the next day oh wow- did god show up.. I went in my prayer closet ( literally ) to worship & pray and the next ting I know about an hour later there I am smack in the middle of the woods where my first husband committed suicide.. yep I saw the hole thing- He hung himself in a tree..  I was literally on my knees crying my face off because the lord brought me right there I felt the pain he was feeling.. it hurt me so terribly.. i was screaming  &  groaning.. asking the lord what do i do. next thing I know I am there smack in the middle of my sisters  assisted suicide.. I see the gun go off, I see her dye.. my heart ached so bad I cant even put it into words.. why, i am asking god?  then he shows me their hearts.. ( he reveals all this to me in vision or revelation) I can see both of them ..their hearts weighed down by chains, shackles almost.. their bondage.. such pain , that i could feel it... This encounter was something I had never experienced before- I have had some major encounters with god, but this brought me to my knees and to my face screaming to the lord. What he then says to me was...  you must help them get free.. and the ultimate answer , which was sin. & bondage  lead to death, his freedom is what brings life..  holy crap.. is what i was thinking really..  i was taken to a whole other world, a whole other realm of pain & hurt I hadnt seen before. he then reveals to me that i was harboring guilt & pain myself from these two deaths, of people who were so close to my heart, that were holding me back from my own freedom,  I thought I had made peace with there passing, but it was a hole in my soul that i couldn't even see, only the lord knew how deep it was- so he brought me there and delivered me out of it.. and what freedom that was. It took me a while to get back  to myself after experiencing such an amazing encounter..  so, the moral of my blog today is.. let the lord have his way.. even when it hurts, and we dont understand why, trust him and he will use you the way he needs to.. I am excited to see whats coming in the future.. god is really moving fast in my life since Johns passing, and thats ok- because I trust him.. and I may not like it, but its so worth it !!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

how do you parent, when life has been turned upside down and around..

Well, last night after having a discussion with my 11 year old, ( who seems to be longing for a daddy) who then started crying and telling me she didn't know why she was crying, then she misses daddy:( my heart broke.................. HOW I ask lord, am I to do this.. I cant mend a broken heart, a child who had lost her biological father to suicide, her aunt to suicide and now the only "real father " she knew in her heart is gone... am I being to hard on her is my first thought.. Since our life has been a bit crazy for the past few years , iv been trying my best lately to make boundaries.. to establish what is what in this family and household.. its not an easy task for me.. there has been no beginning or end to each of us, the girls & I had no choice but to just lean on each other through all the trials we have endured.. now I am seeing where this is interrupting life.. I have to remember I am an adult, mother and most of all a person- I have to feed my self or what good am I going to be to my children.. but wow do I struggle with this- as a single parent who made many of mistakes for years,, it is so vital in my heart & head that i don't screw this up!! haha, well talk about pressure then... well this morning as I woke to have my cup of coffee the lord said go watch Joyce Meyers, and low & behold her show was on "single parenting" this morning.. i love when i know god is here!! and after my session last night with my awesome friend and pastor Debbie, who shined light on my spirit " which is exhausted" from all trials ive been through.. just withing the past few years.. god has showed up this quick to show me.. so heres what im learning: and im going to have to try my best to do : !) take care of myself.. i think its time to make me some dr appts, get an exercise schedule going, try to spend more quiet time,, 2) listen to my kids. its time for a family meeting of concerns, i need to c what they need and what they want. 3) Time management- i have spent so much time running around, not that its not ok to serve & help others. but wake up lisa- i have to put my home first! its time to take some time off, even though i want to do everything and be there for everyone, i simply cant!! 4) stop my high expectations of myself.. i am one woman who has endured a tremendous amount of trials and tribulation in a short period of time.. i know the lord doesnt expect me to fill every shoe.. so whay am i expecting myself to do this... yes, i may have to wear many hats and yes i may make mistakes and make wrong decisions.. but thats ok- thats how we learn, and we all know parenting doesn't come with a guide book..
5) next.. always follow my heart and listen to the holy spirit... even though it feels like i am alone because i am a single parent, i really am not.. jesus dwells in me, and i follow the holy spirit in every area of my life, so this area i have to give over and bend my knee to as well, he told me to pull the kids out of school last year- un beknowst to me ( why ) but i cant imagine the extra pressure they would feel right now having 8 teachers, so even on the hard days when i have no tolerance to sit and teach them.. i trust the spirit is still doing a work in them and me.. so really this should be # 1- TRUST THE SPIRIT THAT DWELLS IN ME!!
So, this morning I make a conscious choice to not beat myself up because I am not perfect and I can only do so much in one day.. stop beating me up :) and LOVE my kids right where they are, as he loves me right where i am !!

Anger... Not a friend of mine


CAN WE SAY ANGER... UGH I HAVENT FELT THIS WAY IN A LONG TIME.. IM SURE ITS THE COMBO OF NOt SLEEPING OR GETTING ADEQUATE REST, GREIF, HORMONES.. OH WHO KNOWS ALL I KNOW IS I DONT LIKE IT - IM READY TO BITE SOMEONES HEAD OFF.. AND MY KIDS WELL LETS JUST SAY YESTERDAY THEY GOT IT THEWORST, WELL IT WASNT ALL ME. THEY HAVE BEEN GETTING INTO SOME UGLY HABITS AND NOT TAKING CARE OF THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITES, SIMPLE ONES LIKE CLEANING THEIR ROOM, THEY HAD BECOME SLOBS OVER THE PAST COUPLE MONTHS AND OH HOW I HATE THIS.. TO ME IF YOURE LIVING IN A MESS YOU R A MESS WELL TO SOME DEGREE, I JUST HAVE HAD IT,, I FEEL LIKE A TIME BOMB RIGHT NOW, STRANGE.. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT ITS FROM? MAYBE JUST EVERYTHIG- HORMONES COULD SURELY PLAY A PART. MAN I DONT KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY KIDS,THERE BRAINS SEEM TO BE LIKE MUSH, THEY ARE NOT THINKNING .. ITS SO FUSTRATING TO ME, I REALLY AM READY TO TEACH THEMA LESSON AND HAVE THEM SLEEP OUTSIDE.. SINCE THEY DONT SEEM TO CARE LATELY ABOUT THERE THINGS.. I FEEL TERRIBLE GETTING SO ANGRY AT THEM BUT I CANT HELP IT, IT SEEMS THAT I JUST START TO GET MAD AND MY TOIP EXPLODES.. UGH.. NOT GOOD

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." (Matthew 9:17 NIV)

A river

Here's some awesome words ; his love is like a river, a river is a moving stream of water.. And only he can bring a peace that can be attained while life has its twist & turns.. Peace like a river; is security and tranquility of heart & mind even when meeting unexpected bumps and turns through change.. Peace is submission to a trustworthy authority.. Any activity that can not be brought under the umbrella of gods authority will prove to b a source of turmoil... And this my friends is where I live!!!

Time


WOW IM BLOWN AWAY THAT THIS WEEK IS A MONTH 4 HOLE WEEKS SINCE JOHNS BEEN GONE,JUST WRITING THAT AND THINKING THAT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.WHICH IS PROBALY WHY IM WRITING.. I FEEL LIKE I WEIGH 10000 POUNDS, IM WORN DOWN, TIRED, EXHAUSTED TO BE EXACT, WHAT A MONTH IT HAS BEEN. PLANNING FOR JOHNS CELEBRATION WAS TRYING. TO BRING UP OLD PICTURES, THINK OF WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY, OR HOW I WANTED PEOPLE TO VIEW HIM, I KNEW THE PEOPLE THAT WOULD BE THERE WHICH WERE MOSTLY PEOPLE FROM OUR CHURCHES, AND WHO HAVE KNOWN HIM AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS.. SO I REALLY WANTED JOHNS HEART AND LOVE TO SHINE,HE DESERVED THAT- FOR PEOPLE TO FINALLY SEE HIS HEART.. NOT MANY OF US CAN ACTUALLY LOOK AT OTHERS THAT WAY- BUT HE SAW MY HEART FROM THE BEGINNING AND SO ONCE I STARTED GETTING RID OF MY GARBAGE I COULD TRULY SEE HIS TOO.
I HAVE A HARD TIME JUST SITTING.. WELL I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME WITH THIS, MORE SO THE PAST 2 YEARS OR SO, I HAD TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT, WELL WITH ALL THE DR AND APPTS, YOU HAVE TO HURRY UP AND WAIT.. SO TODAY I AM TRYING MY BEST TO SIT AND BE STILL. IT IS SABBATH DAY, BUT ALL I KEEP THINKNING IS I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO- ATLEAST IF THE HOUSE WAS DONE, SITTING HERE WOULDNT MAKE ME FEEL SO BAD,, BUT THEN I READ TODAY THAT IF I FEEL GUILTY ITS THE DEVIL= SO ILL TAKE BOTH, IM TRYING TO SIT.. IM NOT SURE IF FEELING HEAVY IS FROM LACK OF SLEEP, HAVENT BEEN SLEEPING VERY WELL, JUST EVEFRYTHING FINALLY COMING TO A HAULT ..? IN CHURCH TODAY GOD GAVE ME RUTH 1, 5=

What to do

august 18 2012,
well there is peace and quiet in my house this morning, kids are at my parents. it seems to me i am just not having enough of this peace, so i have to make sure every day i have this quiet.. so after yesterday and the enemy trying his best to get in between me and my mother, i actually got through it, i cryed, was upset and hurt but ended up writing them a small note saying that just becuase we disagree on stuff dosent mean we cant be a family, so i also stayed at there house and chatted with my dad for a while and my mom, it was nice i must say, its been quite some time since i had done that- i will continue to pray and hope god mends their broken hearts and the family will b restored .time will tell. well i really felt alone yesterdy without john, ya knnow he alwys had my side, especially when it came to family because he had such issues with his, so he was very comforting to me, so yesterday i felt so alone.. like wow how am i going to do thjis? all in all it was good, my brother even called last night and said he wanted to come clean out my garage for me and help with the sheds etc.. i was taken back-
maybe the walls r breakin down with love, so i have to continue to just love him i cant condemn him- he will see the truth. well the lady from moffitt who was in some kind of love thing with my husband started texting again the otherday- saying so sorry for your loss, and it will be hard to be all alone, let me know if un need anything. after she text his phone ....she is so sick.. ,

Help me lord


it has been a month now since john left.. wow at one point it feels like a year and another it feels like yesterday, i dont think my mind can wrap it around.. i want him to come home, i feel so alone, i feel like im in the corner and everyone has left me... god i pray you take that pain away.. this just feels crazy, like its not even happening. i want to run away but i cant, i have to deal with it the best i know how.. which is to cry and ask god to please take the pain away.. every tear drop that falls feels like another pricker being pulled out of my body, the pain is there so hard, it hurts so bad then it comes out but your still soar for quite sometime.. and thank the lord it goes away- but while its in there, man nothing can take that away , but the lord. i dont self medicate - so now i have to deal with this.. it sucks that is the best word to decribe this pain.. lord, help me take this pain make me see my family with your loving eyes and not with this bitterness, they are hurting so bad and they dont have your comfort and mercy, so i guess its my duty to give it to them, and be christ to them. as much as i want to turn away, scream and no , i dont know what its like to loose a child they way they did. i mean at her age, so lord i ask you to help me see what there going thru, how can i help, what can i do?? i dont want it to be this way for them or for this family, but i will continnue to trust u lord. that there is a reason.. i may not get it but ill trust u

Grief


WELL I WAS QUITE TIRED YESTERDAY THEN WHEN I FINALLY LAID DOWN AT 12 OR SO I COULDNT SLEEP..THEN MY MIND GOES, I START THINKING ABOUT JOHN, I LOOK AT HIS PICTURES AND THE REALIZATION SETS I THAT HES NOT COMING BACK THROUGH THE DOOR.. HES DEAD.. MAYBE I HAVE BEEN NUMB, PROBOBLY FOR QUITE SOME TIME.. EVEN THOUGH I WOULD MAKE MY POINT AND SAY THINGS TO JOHN.. I HAD TO STUFF SO MUCH, HIM AND MY GIRLS WERE PRIORITY, I REALLY DIDNT CARE HOW I FELT ABOUT A SITUATION, I HAD TO PUT ME ASIDE AND DO WHAT I HAD TO FOR HIM OR THEM.. ITS THAT SIMPLE SOMEHOW GOD HAS MADE OUR BODIES THIS WAY, WHERE I REALLY PUT MY FEELINGS ASIDE. MAD, SAD, ANGRY WHATEVER IM SURE I EXPRESSED IT TO SOME DEGREE BUT NOT THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE.. I HAD TO BE STRONG, IN HAD TO HOLD ON, I HAD TO BE THERE FOR HIM FOR THE KIDS. SO I DIDNT MATTER IN SOME INSANE WAY- HERE PEOPLE WOULD COME UP TO ME AND SAY HOW STRONG I WAS OR WHAT COURAGE I HAD,, BUT REALLY ALL I WA DOING WAS SURVIVING.. THERE MUST BE A DEFINITION OF SURVIVAL SKILLS.. WE MUST BE MADE UP THIS WAY, WERE WE STUFF ALL OUR FEELINGS TO SURVIVE OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.. WELL I THINK ITS ALL SURFACING NOW, AND IM NOT SELF MEDICATING. SO IM NOT NUMBING IT.. IT HAS TO COME UP- WELL THATS THE HEALTHY WAY TO GET RID OF IT , ITS JUST THAT THIS ISNT USUAL FOR ME, IN THE PAST, I WOULD HAVE BEEN RUNNING TO FIND A JOB RIGHT AWAY, RUSHING AROUND NOT ABLE TO FEEL OR TO HAVE THESE SURFACE.. I REMEMBER AFTER MY SISTER PASSED AND IT WAS THE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I WAS IN BED HYTERICAL AND DIDNT WANT TO GO TO WORK, I CALLED IN AND WHAT A GUILT TRIP I RECIEVED.. LIVING IN THE WORLD AND PEOPLE PLEASING IS SO HARD.. TODAY I AM GREATFUL THAT THE LORD HAS CHANGED ME AND THE WAY I LIVE, I KNOW The LORD DOSENT WANT ME RUSHING THROUGH THIS, LOSS IS HUGE.. AND DO WE REALLY WONDER WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.. WERE CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE WE HAVE TO RUSH INTO IT.. WELL THEN WE STUFF IT AND IT MAKES US SO UGLY. I HAVE FAITH GOD WILL GUIDE ME TO DO WHATS RIGHT, TOGO WHERE I NEED TO AND I TRUST HIM TO PUT THE THINGS IN MY WAY THAT I NEED. AND EVEN THOUGH MY INITIAL INSTINCT IS TO RUN OUT AND CHANGE MY LIFE, TO WORK TO GET MY MIND OFF IT.. I KNOW ITS THE EXACT OPPOSITE, INEED TO TAKE TIME HERE AT HOME WITH MY KIDS, DEALING, GOING THROUGH THE EMOTIONS AND PURGING. EVEN THOUGH ITS SO HARD, ITS JUST WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THIS RIGHT. CRYING AND WATCHING VIDEOS OF JOHN AT 2 AM, ISNT FUN B IT IS NECCESSARY.. I GUESS FOR HOW EVER LONG IS NEEDED..

Ugh...


so i dont want to get mad, angry or ugly.. those are just things i dont like in my llife anymore- but i believe there is anger in my pit somewhere- the man i truly wanted to spend my life with is dead.. yet alive with christ and my sister.. does that make me less angry? well it eases the pain thats for sure, knowing i will be reunited again- but im devastated inside, r u kidding- i have been in relatinships since i was 13, forever looking for ,mr right- the one to love me for me , for my heart.. who could see through my tuff girl exterior.. and he was it.. granted still a man so not perfect in telling my signs of "help" me or come rescue me.. love me.. but he came close, he sure did see my heart and he knew my love was real- i had my ugly days too, bottles of wine, pills, anger, hurt, aloness.. after loosing your sister of 30 years.. and john got the brunt of it.. but even though i know he didnt want to deal with it- and said he was leaving, he would say later i knew it wasnt you, and he would stay and come back.. hence in the end i knew these behaviors werent my husband , and i had made a commitment to him long ago, to be there for him as he was for me, so i may have said im leaving or go.. and we may have done that many times, but i knew in my heart of hearts we would be back together, trudging along this crazy rollercoaster again.. i just knew in my soul, my deepest being that we would be together forever- how ever long that was. really.. once i made a commitment under the lord that was it, i was completly his, forever more- so even though the things that happened were hard to deal with, and i wanted to wlk away- i lost many people in my lifewho didnt agree.. but it was all ok beacuse i knew i had to be true and faithful

Thank u lord even for the hurt

august 14, 2012..
well the days have been quite emotional, i wake up feeling overwhelmed and tears can drop at any second- and the evenings also, are overwhelming- the day time isnt as hard probaly becasuse im busy.. but every llittle thiing.. a thought or a word, gosh just anything can make my throat get that lump and tears come rolling.. i absolutly hate this emotional grief thing- its hard enough for me to cry and i feel like such a baby- i guess thats probobly something to do with my past and my tuff girl exterior.. gods just breaking me down.. it sucks to b honest but im sure its neede for healing. i miss john so much- like the old john- the one who hugged and kissed me, who loved to hold and touch me- we didn't have those kind of times for a while, i hope to one day be careesed again, to be told how beautiful i am, to b held by the arms of a man who truly loves me, but ya know i really doint know if that will happen- i guess whatever the lord has for me will b done, but oh how i long for the day.. its been so long since i felt complete embrassing by a man- i think i really am grieveing that too- months of my needs and wants put on the far back burner, i guess somehow i have to work through this too- it was one of those things you do what you have to while youre in it.. like trying to survive everyday, yet your heart aches , your soul longs for.. that love, that love left our home a long time ago, so here i was just going through the motions.. of dealing, coping, trying to keep my head above water- without drowning in this cancer pool.. it hurt and it hurt bad- i think the emotions are coming out now.. maybe this is what im feeling- everything that i couldnt feel the pastyear, if i let it surface it would of taken over.. becasue we automatically want to think of ourselves- our feelings and what we want- but he was so needy and my focus and priority was john and my kids, there was no time for me.. so i think now its me time. god is saying to me- now we deal with you and youre feelings.. just what i really dont want to do- but i know in order to move forward in a helathy way i have to . so have your way lord, show me what i need to do, what i need to know.. break me down to nothing lord, let me completly surrender it all to you.it hurts and it is going to hurt- but loss isnt anything thats easy.. im sure i have much grieving to do- my sister, babies, my x husband- gees the family i thought i had.. the husband and life i dreamed of having.. but ya know i have commplete faith that god does only for our good- even though this hurts like hell, i trust and know its for my benefit.. ive done this grieving thing and life thing without the lord and self medication is no way to deal and get better.. i mean sure you can numb it, thenit continues to surface throughout the rest of your life, and it will harbour and get in the way of many things you try to do tomove forward.. so if i have to deal with a couple months or even years of crying, screaming and emotions it will totally be worth it.. thank you lord for bringing your spirirt into my little ol life.. i am truly blessed to have such faith in you and to continue to know you are here even if i dont c you or get it i willdo my best to stay as close to you as i can.. and i ask that the moment you stray, you grab me up and pull me close, draw me unto you lord, show me what i need todeal with, reveal to me what i need to do.. i trust you god and know you only work for my good and you love me as your own princess , and i will work on loving myself as the way you see me too.

Choices

FEELINGS.......
I HAVE TO BE HONEST, I DONT EVEN LIKE THE WORD. WHY CANT WE HANDLE A SITUATION AND THEN MOVE ON.. YA RIGHT, WELL WE CAN IF WE WANT THE NEXT SITUATION TO BE WORSE, ANd IF WE WANT TO CONTINUE TO DRINK/ DRUG.. I GUESS MY OPTION IS FEELINGHS....
YA KNOW IM MAD, MAD AT MY HUSBAND A BIT.. MY FAMILY.. MY FRIENDS .. IM NOT MAD AT GOD THOUGH, YOU KNOW I TRULY DONT BELIEVE HE WANTED TO TAKE JOHN HOME - I BELIEVE ONE DAY I WILL KNOW THE TRUTH AND I BELIEVE OUR GOD LOVES US AND REALLY WANTS WHATS BEST FOR US.. WHICH WOULD NOT BE CANCER, I BELIEVE HE HAD YEARS OF BAD CHOICES, OR JUST BAGGAGE FROM HIS PAST.. THINGS HE COULDNT OVERCOME DUE TO HIS UPBRINGING. I AM SAD, FOR MYSELF AND MY GIRLS. WE REALLY BELIEVED THIS WAS IT YA KNOW- THE LOVE FOREVEER, A FAMILY ALL TOGETHER.AND IT MAY BE, IF THATS WHAT GOD HAD FOR US.

Lord , help me!!

WELL LETS START WITH WHEN I STARTED HEARING THE LORD SPEAK TO ME, I REMEMBER IT WAS PROBOBLY ALMOST A YEAR OR SO AGO, I WAS ATTENDING BIBLE STUDY # 3 I THINK, DOING BETH MOORE REALLY JUST DIGGING DEEP AND EVERYTHING HIT HOME WITH THIS JOURNEY I WAS ON WITH MY HUSBAND AND HIS CANCER. I WANTED TO DIG DEEPER, I NEEDED TO FIND A WAY TO GET A HANDLE ON LIFE BECAUSE LIFE WAS REALLY HANDLING ME. JOHN WAS STARTING TO MAKE DECISIONS I COULDNT UNDERSTAND, SPENDING SO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM THE HOUSE, IN THE WOODS OR WHEREEVER ELSE HE WAS GOING.. ALL I WANTED WAS TO SPEND THAT QUALITY TIME I KNEW WE WOULDNT HAVE FOREVEVR- IT SEEMED HE WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE A LITTLE, A DINNER OR PART OF A MOVIE BUT BY THIS TIME HE WAS RUNNING CONSANTLY. I BEGGED AND PLEADEED TO HIM FOR MY SELF & THE KIDS, WE TRULY LOVED HIM AND LOVED SPENDING TIME WITH HIM- I WOULD SACRIFICE AND WE WOULD GO INTO THE GARAGE AND WATCH A MOVIE AND OR EAT BUT HE WAS NEVER REALLY THERE. AS TIME WENT ON HE JUST GOT WORSE.. HE STAYED AWAY LONGER AND PULLED AWAY MORE OFTEN- I WAS LLITERALLY CRYING IN MY BED TIME & TIME AFTER TIME LONGING FOR MY HUSBAND TO SIMPLY COME AND WATCH A MOVIE HAVE SOME ICE CREAM, OR GOSH JUST TO SIT NEXT TO ME. EVEN THOUGH AT THE TIME I MAY HAVE BEEN BEING SELFISH, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF HOW SELFISH HE WAS ACTING- WHY COULDNT HE JUST DO THIS, WHATS THE BIG DEAL TO SIT AND WATCH SEINFELD WITH YOUR WIFE.. WELL NOW THAT I LOOK BACK, I SEE I WAS REALLY BEING SELFISH, HE WAS BATTLING EVERY BREATH, THE SIMPLE THOUGHHT OF LAYING IN THE BED WITH ME WAS TO MUCH TO BEAR FOR HIM, IT WAS LIKE TAKING A LICK OF YOUR FAV ICE CREAM, KNOWING THE FLAVR WOULD NEVER BE BACK AGAIN- BUT IN BIG PEOPLE TERMS.. HE KNEW TIME WAS DWINDLING, HE USED TO TELL ME HE KNOWS HIS BODY- I TRULY BELIEVE NOW THAT IT TRULY WAS JUST THAT HARD, I CANT EVEN TRY TO CONSIDER WHAT I WOULD DO IN HIS SHOES.. HOW WOULD I HAVE ACTED? WOULD I HAVE TAKEN OFF AND SPENT EVERY MINUTE HIGH AND RUNNING TOO? PROBOBLY WORSE TO BE HONEST.. QUALITY TIME IS GREAT BUT AFTER BEING GIVEN A DEATH SENTENCE EVERY THOUGHT HE HAD TO FIGHT TO TRY TO HAVE A DECENT HOUR, ONLY GOD KNOWS WHEN THE TUMORS OR CANCER ACTUALLY STARTED EFFECTING HIS BEHAVIOR AND THOUGHTS, BUT I DO KNOW THE JOIHN I FIRST MET, WASNT HERE ANYMORE, IT LOOKED LIKE HIM, SMELLED LIKE HIM AND SOMETIMES ACTED LIKE HIM- BUT IT WASNT.

How do I do this...

TAKING CARE OF THE DIFFICULT ONE,, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS? YOU WANT TO MAKE EVERY DECISION AT THE RIGT TIME, FOR THE RIGHT REASON AND TO BETTER HIM NOT TO MAKE HIM WORSE. SO YOU PRAY AND PRAY UNTIL YOU HEAR THE LORD SAY.. DO THIS.. AND YOU DO it .. YOU STILL DOUBDT IT BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT. HOW DO YOU LIVE EVERY DAY WATCHING THE MAN YOU SPENT YOUR LIFE TRYING TO FIND SLOWLY DIE EVERYDAY. HOW DO YOU NOT THINK OF YOUR SELF OR NOT GET ANGRY OR WANT THINGS DONE YOUR WAY, YOU CANT.. YOU JUST ASK GOD AND OBIDEIENTLY FOLLOW HIS PATH. I DIDNT WANT TO GO BACK TO BROWARD COUNTY NEVER THE LESS FLY THERE AFTER ALL I HAVE ONLY FLOWN 2 TIMES AND IM A BIT TERRIFIED ..BUT ITS NOT MY LIFE ATSTAKE HERE ITS MY HUSBANDS, SO SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP AND BOOK THE FLIGHT, YOU KNOW HE NEEDS YOU NOW AND YOU HAVE TO BRING HIM HOME. I JUST COULDNT UNDERSTAND, WHY HE LEFT TO GO BACK TO HIS MOTHERS IN THE FIRST PLACE, WELL.. FEAR I KNOW, NOT PROPER THINKING I GUESS.. I MEAN HE COULD HARDLY WALK AND HIS BALANCE WAS GETTINNG REALLY BAD. IT WAS TRULY OBVIOUS THAT THE LORD HAS HIS HAND ON THAT CAR FOR THE 5 HOUR DRIVE HE MADE IT TO BROWARD- AND THEN COLLAPSED RIGHT WHEN HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR, THIS STARTED THE HOSPITAL ROLLER COASTER, THE LAST MONTH OF JOHNS LIFE. IN AND OUT OF THE ER, ADMITTING, HOME , PAIN, ETCC..

The Battle is over.. for John... He won, in the glory he is

Well, its been quite sometime since i have written on here, and so much has happened!! My husband lost his 2 year cancer battle on July 17, 2012 around 10:15 but he is in the glory now.. the fighting is sure over! and what fighting it was..

Ephesians 6: 12 says: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I witnesses this scripture first hand.. my gosh if i ever saw a battle being faught here on earth, it was my husbands.. The cancer battle in his body started in 2010- with the diagnosis of Melanoma stage IV- but the spiritual battle had been building up for years and years... once the cancer spread to the brain, i knew things were going to get harder.. I never knew just how hard they would actually get.. I didn't know id be spending every moment I had on my face in my prayer closet crying out & worshiping to the lord to help me get through this.. and asking him how to do this ...??

Well, God made it clear back in the spring while my husband had made the decisions to live his life completely the way he chose to.. that I was to
"Walk in LOVE" no matter what he chose to do.. my commitment in this marriage was between god & I , and I had a choice.. to submit my authority to him or to try to do this in my flesh & blood and under my own authority..

There was no question.. once John started making decisions I didn't agree with and choosing to do things ( like use illegal drugs, use people for money for his drugs, lie, cheat..run around or whatever else he chose to do ) I had to put my eyes to the hills and look to him for help, because I had no right to judge John ..my position as his wife, was to LOVE him through all of it..no matter how hard it hurt.. not knowing exactly if these decisions he was making were medically induced by all the meds he was on,or due to the fact that he had 7 brain tumors growing and swelling his brain....
or simply where they made by a man who was given 2 1/2 years to live 2
years ago and wanted to do what he wanted.. that was always Johns attitude!!

.. He was a very independent, liked things done his way , and only his way.. this of course caused a lot of issues in his life.. he had no room in his mind for anyone else opinions or thoughts- he did what he wanted .. period... no matter the cost.. I'm sure you can imagine what a problem this caused!!

Well, I hope you will join me in this writing journey i am on.. God is truly moving in my life.. and i am so excited to see where it is going.. I have journal-ed some since John passed, and I would like to share them with you too.. once we move past the cancer battles, I cant wait to share with you the amazing heart of Jesus & how his love is flowing like a river into our new life because I have submitted all my authority to him and said
" LORD have your way" your will be done, I want him to bring heaven down to earth.. no matter the cost!

Its been a year.... and oh how life changes





Keeping my mouth shut!!!

AS I CAME ACROSS THE BLOG TODAY SEEING THAT RANDI PASSED AND STARTED READING ON, IT IMMEDIATELY BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES.. MY HUSBAND IS FIGHTING STAGE IV AS WE SPEAK, HE IS ON ZELBORAF, BUT HAS 5 TUMORS IN HIS BRAIN- HE HAS BEEN DOING REALLY WELL THE PAST FEW WEEKS WITH A BREAK FROM THE DR APPTS..AND THE LAST FEW WORDS WERE THAT THE TUMORS IN HIS LUNGS ARE SHRINKING BUT WE DONT KNOW ABOUT THE BRAIN DUE TO THE BLOOD BARRIER.. UNTIL FEB WHEN THEY START AGAIN :(.. SO ONCE AGAIN TODAY MY HEART TURNED RIGHT AROUND AND PUMPED REALLY HARD YELLING AT ME .. SAYING "WITH NORMALITY FOR A FEW WEEKS HOW EASILY I STARTED TAKING MY HUSBAND AND HIS FIGHT FOR GRANTED. GETTING UPSET BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO SLEEP IN THE WOODS, OR NOT UNDERSTANDING HIS DESIRE FOR QUIET AND NATURE. WELL TODAY GOD SMACKED ME IN THE FACE.. EVERY MOMENT WE HAVE IS SO PRECIOUS, EVERY MINUTE I CAN SPEND WITH HIM IS A TRUE GIFT GOD IS GIVING ME, I NEED TO STEP BACK AND REALIZE HOW THIS HORRIBLE MELANOMA HAS BEEN AN AMAZING LIFE CHANGER FOR ME SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT WATCHING THE PERSON I LOVE BATTLE IN HIS WAY- THANKS FOR MAKING ME REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT MINUTES ARE:)