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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Thank u lord even for the hurt

august 14, 2012..
well the days have been quite emotional, i wake up feeling overwhelmed and tears can drop at any second- and the evenings also, are overwhelming- the day time isnt as hard probaly becasuse im busy.. but every llittle thiing.. a thought or a word, gosh just anything can make my throat get that lump and tears come rolling.. i absolutly hate this emotional grief thing- its hard enough for me to cry and i feel like such a baby- i guess thats probobly something to do with my past and my tuff girl exterior.. gods just breaking me down.. it sucks to b honest but im sure its neede for healing. i miss john so much- like the old john- the one who hugged and kissed me, who loved to hold and touch me- we didn't have those kind of times for a while, i hope to one day be careesed again, to be told how beautiful i am, to b held by the arms of a man who truly loves me, but ya know i really doint know if that will happen- i guess whatever the lord has for me will b done, but oh how i long for the day.. its been so long since i felt complete embrassing by a man- i think i really am grieveing that too- months of my needs and wants put on the far back burner, i guess somehow i have to work through this too- it was one of those things you do what you have to while youre in it.. like trying to survive everyday, yet your heart aches , your soul longs for.. that love, that love left our home a long time ago, so here i was just going through the motions.. of dealing, coping, trying to keep my head above water- without drowning in this cancer pool.. it hurt and it hurt bad- i think the emotions are coming out now.. maybe this is what im feeling- everything that i couldnt feel the pastyear, if i let it surface it would of taken over.. becasue we automatically want to think of ourselves- our feelings and what we want- but he was so needy and my focus and priority was john and my kids, there was no time for me.. so i think now its me time. god is saying to me- now we deal with you and youre feelings.. just what i really dont want to do- but i know in order to move forward in a helathy way i have to . so have your way lord, show me what i need to do, what i need to know.. break me down to nothing lord, let me completly surrender it all to you.it hurts and it is going to hurt- but loss isnt anything thats easy.. im sure i have much grieving to do- my sister, babies, my x husband- gees the family i thought i had.. the husband and life i dreamed of having.. but ya know i have commplete faith that god does only for our good- even though this hurts like hell, i trust and know its for my benefit.. ive done this grieving thing and life thing without the lord and self medication is no way to deal and get better.. i mean sure you can numb it, thenit continues to surface throughout the rest of your life, and it will harbour and get in the way of many things you try to do tomove forward.. so if i have to deal with a couple months or even years of crying, screaming and emotions it will totally be worth it.. thank you lord for bringing your spirirt into my little ol life.. i am truly blessed to have such faith in you and to continue to know you are here even if i dont c you or get it i willdo my best to stay as close to you as i can.. and i ask that the moment you stray, you grab me up and pull me close, draw me unto you lord, show me what i need todeal with, reveal to me what i need to do.. i trust you god and know you only work for my good and you love me as your own princess , and i will work on loving myself as the way you see me too.

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