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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Ugh...


so i dont want to get mad, angry or ugly.. those are just things i dont like in my llife anymore- but i believe there is anger in my pit somewhere- the man i truly wanted to spend my life with is dead.. yet alive with christ and my sister.. does that make me less angry? well it eases the pain thats for sure, knowing i will be reunited again- but im devastated inside, r u kidding- i have been in relatinships since i was 13, forever looking for ,mr right- the one to love me for me , for my heart.. who could see through my tuff girl exterior.. and he was it.. granted still a man so not perfect in telling my signs of "help" me or come rescue me.. love me.. but he came close, he sure did see my heart and he knew my love was real- i had my ugly days too, bottles of wine, pills, anger, hurt, aloness.. after loosing your sister of 30 years.. and john got the brunt of it.. but even though i know he didnt want to deal with it- and said he was leaving, he would say later i knew it wasnt you, and he would stay and come back.. hence in the end i knew these behaviors werent my husband , and i had made a commitment to him long ago, to be there for him as he was for me, so i may have said im leaving or go.. and we may have done that many times, but i knew in my heart of hearts we would be back together, trudging along this crazy rollercoaster again.. i just knew in my soul, my deepest being that we would be together forever- how ever long that was. really.. once i made a commitment under the lord that was it, i was completly his, forever more- so even though the things that happened were hard to deal with, and i wanted to wlk away- i lost many people in my lifewho didnt agree.. but it was all ok beacuse i knew i had to be true and faithful

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