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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Grief


WELL I WAS QUITE TIRED YESTERDAY THEN WHEN I FINALLY LAID DOWN AT 12 OR SO I COULDNT SLEEP..THEN MY MIND GOES, I START THINKING ABOUT JOHN, I LOOK AT HIS PICTURES AND THE REALIZATION SETS I THAT HES NOT COMING BACK THROUGH THE DOOR.. HES DEAD.. MAYBE I HAVE BEEN NUMB, PROBOBLY FOR QUITE SOME TIME.. EVEN THOUGH I WOULD MAKE MY POINT AND SAY THINGS TO JOHN.. I HAD TO STUFF SO MUCH, HIM AND MY GIRLS WERE PRIORITY, I REALLY DIDNT CARE HOW I FELT ABOUT A SITUATION, I HAD TO PUT ME ASIDE AND DO WHAT I HAD TO FOR HIM OR THEM.. ITS THAT SIMPLE SOMEHOW GOD HAS MADE OUR BODIES THIS WAY, WHERE I REALLY PUT MY FEELINGS ASIDE. MAD, SAD, ANGRY WHATEVER IM SURE I EXPRESSED IT TO SOME DEGREE BUT NOT THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE.. I HAD TO BE STRONG, IN HAD TO HOLD ON, I HAD TO BE THERE FOR HIM FOR THE KIDS. SO I DIDNT MATTER IN SOME INSANE WAY- HERE PEOPLE WOULD COME UP TO ME AND SAY HOW STRONG I WAS OR WHAT COURAGE I HAD,, BUT REALLY ALL I WA DOING WAS SURVIVING.. THERE MUST BE A DEFINITION OF SURVIVAL SKILLS.. WE MUST BE MADE UP THIS WAY, WERE WE STUFF ALL OUR FEELINGS TO SURVIVE OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.. WELL I THINK ITS ALL SURFACING NOW, AND IM NOT SELF MEDICATING. SO IM NOT NUMBING IT.. IT HAS TO COME UP- WELL THATS THE HEALTHY WAY TO GET RID OF IT , ITS JUST THAT THIS ISNT USUAL FOR ME, IN THE PAST, I WOULD HAVE BEEN RUNNING TO FIND A JOB RIGHT AWAY, RUSHING AROUND NOT ABLE TO FEEL OR TO HAVE THESE SURFACE.. I REMEMBER AFTER MY SISTER PASSED AND IT WAS THE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I WAS IN BED HYTERICAL AND DIDNT WANT TO GO TO WORK, I CALLED IN AND WHAT A GUILT TRIP I RECIEVED.. LIVING IN THE WORLD AND PEOPLE PLEASING IS SO HARD.. TODAY I AM GREATFUL THAT THE LORD HAS CHANGED ME AND THE WAY I LIVE, I KNOW The LORD DOSENT WANT ME RUSHING THROUGH THIS, LOSS IS HUGE.. AND DO WE REALLY WONDER WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.. WERE CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE WE HAVE TO RUSH INTO IT.. WELL THEN WE STUFF IT AND IT MAKES US SO UGLY. I HAVE FAITH GOD WILL GUIDE ME TO DO WHATS RIGHT, TOGO WHERE I NEED TO AND I TRUST HIM TO PUT THE THINGS IN MY WAY THAT I NEED. AND EVEN THOUGH MY INITIAL INSTINCT IS TO RUN OUT AND CHANGE MY LIFE, TO WORK TO GET MY MIND OFF IT.. I KNOW ITS THE EXACT OPPOSITE, INEED TO TAKE TIME HERE AT HOME WITH MY KIDS, DEALING, GOING THROUGH THE EMOTIONS AND PURGING. EVEN THOUGH ITS SO HARD, ITS JUST WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THIS RIGHT. CRYING AND WATCHING VIDEOS OF JOHN AT 2 AM, ISNT FUN B IT IS NECCESSARY.. I GUESS FOR HOW EVER LONG IS NEEDED..

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