Friday, October 19, 2012

You really cant celebrate a birthday, if there not here

well today is johns birthday, he would of been 37.. ya know some days just seem so very surreal, i got through the day pretty good, and then it set in.. in the evening.. the kids and I had decided we were going to eat some pizza and watch a Christmas movie, which he loved, it was hard picking out the food at the store, and getting pepsi which was his fav.. and watching the movie elf which he just cracked up at..   i kept picturing that last week or so he was alive, when i brought him home from hospice and he only wanted to watch Christmas comedies which he loved, and he said I cant wait till Christmas . all along I knew in my heart he wouldn't be here.. and i just don't know how i survived those kind of moments..  when u come through something like this, you go back and you say to  yourself how in the world did i do that?? I then decided to look back at my pictures & videos.. not sure if that was  a good idea, of course it made me cry , which i think is very cleansing.. its  just so unreal that so much happened .. the last year of my life was like a nightmare or some kind of lifetime movie.. and i really lived it and and i only by the grace of god!! But its the days like today when you really take a look at whats important to you, how are you spending your moments, are you telling your loved ones you love them... are you watching Christmas movies? We really couldn't celebrate his birthday, he is not here.. so we prayed and thanked god for his life, because it truly changed our life.. and we asked for blessings over his family, who im sure were having a difficult day .  All in all at the end of any day......thank god for bringing you to it and getting you  through it.. even if it hurts and you want to scream, or it just doesn't make sense... try to remember its bigger, were just a small part of it..

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