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Monday, December 17, 2012

this new life continued..... a heart change

well, after spending a few weeks with doug volunteering for youth, we got to know each other a bit, and spent some time chatting outside of church also.. he kept telling me that he needed to lay hands and pray for/ on me, which i thought ok, no problem.. I can use that, but my spirit knew it wasnt just about him laying hands on me, it was much bigger than this, but for some reason he wasnt seeing the same things I was.. I thought it to be strange, and continued to say .. r we talking to the same god..??  later to find out Doug knew from the day we met, god had ordained that meeting..he knew what was to come but wasnt ready to receive or accept it...  he was so comfortable in his life at this point, he was fighting it in his flesh.rather than submitting to whatever the lord had.. well after more prayer time because i was just not getting it.. the lord told me he wasnt ready yet... so he was running around every other idea, but this relationship- which the lord had put in our hearts. god continued to break me thorugh this.. ya see Doug is such a giver, and just continued wanting to do for me and the girls, and what a wonderful feeling this was, but as a giver myslef, and having been through such self rightous times with john, it was so hard to receive and feel worthy of these things he was doing.. and after much prayer, the lord told me, i deserved this, i needed to allow doug to love me this way, which was really god loving me thorugh doug= well of course my flesh rose up and i wanted to fight this.. i immediatly started crying and said no way.. i cant do this.. and the lord relentlessly pursued me until that stronghold was broken. I had been so hurt , so many times in my life by men especially, that it was a stronghold i had built up or a wall to not let anyone get in there, because i would just get hurt again.. well, when you submit all to your god, and you allow him to have ur heart, you cant run.. so i had to accept what the lord was telling me and recieve it! So patiently, Doug and I and the girls continued spending some time together, Doug & I went to hear a speaker one night and ended up coming home and chatting about some deep life discussions.. well that night after Doug left he was starting to open his heart,you see he strarted seeing my heart through the conversations.. when he awoke the next morning, he said the lord showed him my heart and he woke up in love with me.. what an amazing thing! I was inn shock maybe,, after all these weeks of spiritual battle, he gave it over and god really showed him truth..  my heart, which is truly a heart after gods, and I saw already that this is where his heart was too..  and god was going to do a mighty thing in us, and I was really excited!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Let me catch up up, on this new life- this new thing hes doing

My last post was the scripture god  lead me to this morning which was matthew 1 24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.

This scripture is so per-tenant to where my life is right now.. let me go back a couple months and catch you up...

Well, you see after my husband passed away, I submitted every area of my life to god, with that being said , I pray that gods will be done in my life and seek his guidance and spirit in all areas of my life.. With the things I had to go through for the past two years, god really showed up for me so many times..He transformed me from the inside out.. and I owe him my life.  I could of never walked in Love and forgiveness during the past year if it wasnt for his continued love for me, so I told him , he had to show me what my "new life " was suppose to looked like.. 

well, about 30 days or so after john passed I was serving for youth at church, and i ended  up meeting a gentleman who I had brief conversation with, he also was serving by trying to help the food bank @ church through his place of employment. We exchanged hello's and he said he needed to volunteer his time in order to receive the funds for the food bank,  I needed help during these few weeks with the youth, so it came up in discussion- that he could help me, - I thought nothing of it..was just happy to have help;)

 my life was going just fine- i had decided to put my daughters back into school, and the lord lead us to a nice,small christian private school- just what i wanted for them, not too much pressure after all they had been through. I was awaiting gods direction in everything- I wake up everyday and ask him to guide my path and show me the direction I need to go in, and then I follow his spirit with obedience.. I still had my moments of grieving of course, but I had been grieving my husband for 2 years already- so moments were still there, but nothing compared to what i had already had to go through.

 Anyhow, goin through my days not knowing what was in store was not easy.  I  am living moment by moment..  I was taking every breathe in, not taking anything for granted! So about two weeks later, this gentleman I met @ church , shows up to help with youth, I was thrilled- to have the help, well then we started chatting that night and it was so nice, he just understood me.. we talked about what i had gone through and about what he had been going through,( a separation & divorce after a 30 year marriage) there was really just a sense of something bigger happening. that i didnt recognize right away.., i just knew i enjoyed the time I had with him. It seemed a few of the people who were there @ church that night picked up on it also. So that evening we decide to exchange numbers , so we could plan dinner for the kids next week- and we spoke briefly that night about it. After youth I went home and got ready for bed, i had taken a shower, now I dont know about you , but god really speaks audibly to me in the shower.. maybe cause its quite! so, I heard the lord tell me " I put him there for you " and " hes gunna Love you through it" .. I then had visions of the gentleman and my future ( his name is Doug ) , I was just blown away.. my mind was far from any of what he was showing me- I had a knowing in my spirit right after that- that this was it.. god had put him here for me.. as crazy as this sounds?? I had a choice to make believe what god was saying & showing me or ignore it..? I was having revelation of the future at this point.. I was totally blown away- and actually in tears, because the last thing I was thinking was that god was going to rise up a man. for us..  I figured , maybe in years to come- he would bring me a man of god, after my past experiences in life, the lord knew I would only be with a man after his heart, the same way I too was only here to do his will and to have more of him in my life.. These feelings I was having werent coming from me , Lisa they were truly coming from god, that I didnt even know what to do.. I started praying and figured god would show me.. So, that saturday I went to church to worship, and here again I was having these visions, and senses in my spirit as I was worshipping, I was afraid to even say a thing to anyone, because I was afraid of what they would of thought.. but it really wasnt me in my flesh wanting this to happen.. he was just doing it. So, i knew I needed to go back for prayer and spent some time with pastor, and I started to say to her " what do you do , when god shows you things, you are unsure of" I was actually almost ashamed of what was happening, but i had no reason to be, because god was showing me these things, so before I could even say anything, she already knew , god had showed her before i even said a word, days before this.. so I found this to be more confirmation that he really did put him here for me, just as he said.. I was shocked, blown away and at the same time.. so overwhelmed by gods love for me..  you see my hearts desire has always been to have a happy, healthy relationship, and from my own choices, gone wrong I have had everything but this..  so this time I surrendered it all to god.. I wasnt about to make choices and continue doing lisas will not his .. 

@KayemsmomLisa: When Joseph woke up, he did just as an angel from Godcommanded and took Mary as his wife. (Matthew 1:24 CEB)

The Lord lead me right here.. Smack in the middle of my life today! Choosing to be obedient to god isn't always an easy task, truth is this.. You get mocked, stoned, talked about... But @ the end of the day.. Who am I here to please? Man or the lord.. Only he knows my heart and I have submitted All areas to him, it may not look right, but the lords peace abounds my spirit and his love abounds in my heart.. Confident in my walk today!! # abiding in him


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A father to the fatherless!!

So, I want to tell you exactly how wonderful our lord is ...How much He loves us, even when we dont know it!!  He can take a painful moment or memory and turn it into a new opening for LOVE.. if we allow him to take a hold of us to to have his way.. Let me share -

This morning I woke up and the song "Beloved" was playing in my head like a radio.. after i woke the girls up, we took a few minutes and sat on the couch and I told them to try to figure out what song was in my head this morning.. after a number of guesses- they had no idea.. so I shared it with them.. well, immediately Kaylee was in tears.. she said it reminds me of "daddy" ....

You see this song, we played for my late husbands "celebration of life" and it was a song we had listened to during those trying times on the cancer rollercoaster- .. so it brought her right back there.. As we start talking about what it was that upset her so much.. It wasn't that he wasn't here, or that he has passed, it was all those days & nights he spent out in the garage, or running away from himself.. and not being able to be a part of our family because the cancer diagnosis was to great for him to bear.. ( he became extremely self centered  the past two years) and that was something we just had to deal with because we had to survive,

So whatever it took we ( the girls & I ) just sucked it up ....  these two little girls whose biological father committed suicide the week I married John ( there stepfather who now has been given 2 years to live) , were now in the midst of a battle for there new fathers life.. and they had to learn so quickly that its just not about us.. meanwhile the example they were witnessing was exactly the opposite..

So, we started chatting about how hard those times were and Emilee my youngest says, I used to cry myself to sleep because he wouldn't come in and say "goodnight " to us , like he used too.. my heart was crushed I had no idea she was doing this... so now I am seeing both my girls hurting..

wow.... I said Lord, you,  gotta show me where to go with this.. because I know from these moments anger and bitterness can fester like a root and next they'll b acting it out in there behavior..  so, seeking his face and pointing my heart towards him, I realize this is exactly why he put that song in my head.. to get to the healing of this anger and bitterness inside of them... .. I had to make a conscious choice to turn this around the way god wanted me to, which was to show them once again, how we need to walk in forgiveness and Love..

As a child growing up my husband came from a dysfunctional family-  where there was no talking when things got bad , and they were bad.. there was only running- and deal with it..!! He had no coping skills so something like a cancer diagnosis threw him into the wolves... I had to explain to my girls just how important this was, that we are able to have this time and can talk about these feelings.. next it was onto how to forgive John for the feelings he did not mean for them to feel- he loved the girls very much- but just couldn't see anything anymore except death.. so, what an example to be able to use and to show them , this is exactly why we are called to walk in love- They could make the choice to continue being angry & hurt because he couldn't be the father they needed- or they could choose to forgive him and realize that he was hurting himself, and that if they choose to walk in love and release these feeling to the lord, he will truly bless them and will restore these areas of there heart, which he is already doing!

After some prayer time and dropping them off to school, I am truly overwhelmed by his LOVE , not just for me but for my girls who have never known a true father here on earth, one who wants to care for them or who could provide for them they way they needed.. The lord has sustained us all these years, and will continue to be a father to the fatherless, but he is truly blessing them with a family they are so eager to have :)

Forgiveness & Love are so very important, ask god to search your heart today- to show you who you are not forgiving or who you need to have more compassion for.. and allow him to have his way and bless you with the miracles that follow !!