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Monday, December 17, 2012

this new life continued..... a heart change

well, after spending a few weeks with doug volunteering for youth, we got to know each other a bit, and spent some time chatting outside of church also.. he kept telling me that he needed to lay hands and pray for/ on me, which i thought ok, no problem.. I can use that, but my spirit knew it wasnt just about him laying hands on me, it was much bigger than this, but for some reason he wasnt seeing the same things I was.. I thought it to be strange, and continued to say .. r we talking to the same god..??  later to find out Doug knew from the day we met, god had ordained that meeting..he knew what was to come but wasnt ready to receive or accept it...  he was so comfortable in his life at this point, he was fighting it in his flesh.rather than submitting to whatever the lord had.. well after more prayer time because i was just not getting it.. the lord told me he wasnt ready yet... so he was running around every other idea, but this relationship- which the lord had put in our hearts. god continued to break me thorugh this.. ya see Doug is such a giver, and just continued wanting to do for me and the girls, and what a wonderful feeling this was, but as a giver myslef, and having been through such self rightous times with john, it was so hard to receive and feel worthy of these things he was doing.. and after much prayer, the lord told me, i deserved this, i needed to allow doug to love me this way, which was really god loving me thorugh doug= well of course my flesh rose up and i wanted to fight this.. i immediatly started crying and said no way.. i cant do this.. and the lord relentlessly pursued me until that stronghold was broken. I had been so hurt , so many times in my life by men especially, that it was a stronghold i had built up or a wall to not let anyone get in there, because i would just get hurt again.. well, when you submit all to your god, and you allow him to have ur heart, you cant run.. so i had to accept what the lord was telling me and recieve it! So patiently, Doug and I and the girls continued spending some time together, Doug & I went to hear a speaker one night and ended up coming home and chatting about some deep life discussions.. well that night after Doug left he was starting to open his heart,you see he strarted seeing my heart through the conversations.. when he awoke the next morning, he said the lord showed him my heart and he woke up in love with me.. what an amazing thing! I was inn shock maybe,, after all these weeks of spiritual battle, he gave it over and god really showed him truth..  my heart, which is truly a heart after gods, and I saw already that this is where his heart was too..  and god was going to do a mighty thing in us, and I was really excited!

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