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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Searching..!


Underlying Anger

The pain goes from my hip and sciatic nerve all the way down past my butt!! The mri last year sais degenerative disk disease, and it hurt like heck through the last few months my husband was alive and continued for a while afterwards, then life became a bit comfortable and stability was looking good. I now look back to see that the pain was hardly there, as I sit here today with excruciating pain in my leg/butt area.. so what the common denominator, well stress, tension changing of life again , trauma.. you name it im going through it again! And obviously so is my body!! This seems to be the area effected, and my neck as well, its like the whole right side is screaming at me for help.. so i am going to have to make a conscious decision to help it.. i do not like to take meds, so that will be my last decision- ive been using biofeeze but thats works briefly, i just read an article which i have heard before that something like this is subconscious anger and rage hiding, i gather somehow it internalizes itself and manifest as pain. makes sense to me.. so now to figure out exactly where its coming from.. ugh.. constant stripping away !! I am going to pray today and ask the lord to expose this area of my life to me, so that i can get to the root of it and get on with it.. i recently had a deliverance session that involved some generational stuf and alot of anger and rage and bondage from a man, no i am not a man hater.. im just real! so, with that being said i am going to venture into this area of my life.. to find the cause of my pain. wont you join me!! :Lord, I ask right now in jesus name that you would reveal to me where this deep rooted pain coming from , where is hidden anger and rage.? please bring it to the surface so that  i may get healing from it and be freed of the bondage! I thank you lord in advance for your answer to my prayer in jesus name i ask it! AMEN.. its that easy! Now I will await and see what he reveals, I do think he revealed some major stuff in deliverance and maybe this is part of it.. i am feeling like i am going to half to walk through my past, with the abusive men that have hurt me and heal from those situations in order to over come this. allowing the holy spirit to have his way !

LET'S GET REAL FOLKS!

I know it has been  a year since I have blogged on here but oh my only in my life has a tremendous amount of "crap" yes crap happened within this year. Example being : the wonderful love I truly believed god had brought into my life last year abandoned me and my daughters, yep literally said to me I " don't want to do this" left that day and has not since returned, and to make matters even more gut wrenching he wont even talk or speak to me.. we have text here and there but coming from a man who declared he would love me till I died and who gave his life to me a year ago, you can imagine the pain all of this has caused me and my children. So, you got it .. this blog is going to be real in your face truth about where I am at, you can love it or leave it, its your choice as it was his to walk away from the blessing god had for him here. I am extremely frustrated today, it seems as all the anger and pain of this hurtful situation surfaces I have to work through so much, and I am not opposed I know healing comes as the layers become unpeeled through the open wounds of the raw emotion I am choosing to allow to seep out of my soul, I am not going to blame my husband for everthing because I believe it takes 2 and I am in well knowledge of the fact that I am far from perfect ( which I think he may have expected me to b) but I am going to place the truth where it belongs, an that is in the face of reality.. the reality that our choices determine what comes next, ut what about this.. I didn't make this choice to be left, my kids and I didn't make the choice to say cut us out of your life as though we never existed.. I mean lets get real!!! this is hurtful, cruel and extremely hard to walk through and stll try to see my husband as jesus sees him which is what I am called to do as a Christian. in my mind the thoughts are rolling around rght besides the pain that says you are a freaking jerk, how could you do this..? I mean I have to ackowldege my anger and pain and othr emotions in a health way in order to heal from them, but I also must switch back to love and this is truly a conscious decision that crucifies my flesh, and allows my spirit to rise up over my anger and forces me to place my eyes to the hill and ask jesus to take this burden and then I ask him to show me how to love my husband right now and not be resentful or angry or bitter or to let this situation takeover my hole being, and the tears roll down my face and I feel a whirlwind of emotions, he shows me that it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to look perfect.. LIFE IS MESSY!!!!thisust simply where I am at and the more we run from this and place a mask on our lives that simply cover the imperfections the more we are truly in bondage and not living in freedom as he has called us to be, the mask or  as im seeing this slightly covered film upon the waters of life simply keeps us in a legalistic mind set bound by rules and laws, gods grace is just so much bigger than this, and by referring back to the " my life is just not where I want it to be" simply causes us to question and condemn ourself and our there is no condemnation for those in Christ jesus. so with this being said why do we..? why do people place this mask upon there lives, that they r so concerned with how there life looks especially to others.. look at jesus, was he worried about this... NO.. it took away from loving those people who are in that place or worse, who are addicted or homeless o abused. he didn't place a mask upon his , he placed his life in he hands of the father and he walked blindly lovin the least of these and not bein bound by rules or laws.. now of couse we must have wisdom and use our brains but we shouldn't be bound by what it should look like, because who sets the standard.. ? the neighbor or the lady at church .. the proverbs 31 woman..? ha I laugh at that.. I ha tried now with no avail for quite sometime.. like my whole life, and frankly today I am here to say liberally I cant do it.. I can hardly do laundry at make dinner, let alone what she stands for- so lets stop looking at the bible as a set of rules we have to live up, and lets start looking to thejourney of jesus, how love was at his core not rules or perfection or a filmy mask that portayed him as something is not... he walked and loved wih all his heart, knoing he would be betrayed and hurt, yet still following ad see gods for his life, so today friends I say I a tired of trying to keep up to perfection or that perfect family at churc that I so long to want in my heart because they have a mess too, in some way shape or form, you just may not see it through that filmy mask or perfection..